If you’ve ever heard entrepreneurs say they hate networking (or if you’ve been one of the entrepreneurs saying it), it’s usually for that very reason: They don’t know the right way to do it.

Networking has come to mean shallow conversations, transactional relationships, and the anxiety of impressing other people so that they’ll do something for you. But that’s not what networking has to be.

A classic book by Dale Carnegie titled How To Win Friends and Influence People remains an essential book to this day—and my new book What’s In It For Them? wouldn’t even exist if Dale hadn’t written his book. But what I realized is that your success and happiness don’t depend on simply winning friends and influencing people. They depend on winning the right friends and influencing the right people. The more successful you become, the more critical this skill becomes.

To do this, I created a framework for filtering right-fit people from wrong-fit ones. Any relationship that’s “ELF” (Easy, Lucrative, and Fun) is the right fit, and any relationship that’s “HALF” (Hard, Annoying, Lame, and Frustrating) is the wrong fit. You can have ELF clients and ELF team members, or you can have HALF clients and HALF team members.

While it takes courage to walk away from HALF connections, it’s how you start to make the right connections with the right people. To do this masterfully, you have to start asking the five-word question that can help you reach your goals faster: “What’s in it for them?”

By asking this question, you shift the focus off you and onto how you can be useful to others. You get out of the transactional networking mindset and start to form transformational, meaningful, and collaborative relationships (which are usually ELF, by the way).

Asking this question repeatedly lets you connect with people by figuring out what they need, helping them get it, and improving their lives. In an authentic way, by asking this question, you are reducing other people’s suffering. By reducing others’ suffering, you become a magnetic and valuable person whom people value and want to collaborate with. And through the rich relationships you form in this way and the doors these relationships open, you reduce your own suffering, improve your own life, and make the world a better place.

I knows this because I was a troubled kid, an active addict, a recovery advocate, and a professional marketer. Today, I’m the founder of Genius Network and 100K. I’ve been called “the most connected man on the planet,” and my mission is to build a better entrepreneur by teaching people how to have an ELF life and business and to change the global conversation about how others view and treat addicts.

I started my career asking, “What’s in it for them?” I still ask the same question years later, though some of the answers have changed. With that context laid out, what can you do with this question, and how can it help you reach your goals faster? Let’s dive in.

BE A GIVER FIRST

Being a pain detective is staying aware of other people’s emotions, wanting to learn their stories, and connecting over shared pain. Be genuinely curious about other people and willing to help. If you start from that position, so many good things follow.

One big fear of connecting with others is knowing what to say. They get stuck in small talk or feel awkward because they don’t know how to listen or genuinely be themselves. In conversations like those, the result is that one person comes off like they’re selling themselves to someone else, and it feels inauthentic. It’s not “selling” that’s the problem, though. The problem is a lack of genuine connection. If the connection is genuine, then “selling” is transformational, not transactional. Remember, it’s about them, not about you.

When you bring your true self to interactions and present your real opinions with kindness, you offer your authentic self to others. Authentically, you offer them value. Giving them something before asking for anything in return shows you’re different from others: You’re there to help. You’re a giver, first and foremost. Not a taker.

AVOID TIME DANGERS

Two big traps that can unknowingly suck up your time when it comes to connecting with the right people are overcommitments and always saying “yes.”

When it comes to overcommitment, the more visionary or creative you are, the easier it is to think you can do more than you can. Hone your ability to analyze how much time a project takes.

A rule that works for me is: When starting any new endeavor, factor in how much time, energy, and money are required. Then double your figures. Big undertakings usually take twice as much effort as you think they will. Do this, and you will save yourself a tremendous amount of heartache. If you’re realistic about the resources you’ll need to commit to a given project, you can become increasingly selective about what and to who you say yes to.

And speaking of saying “yes,” when you’re in opportunity mode, a Not To Do List is more important than a To Do List. Early in life, it’s good to be eager and jump at opportunities, but doing that too much or for too long takes you far off track.

Knowing ahead what you won’t do saves time, reduces energy spent making decisions, and allows you to focus on what’s most important in life. Work toward saying no to more and more. Joe’s friend Derek Sivers says, “If you’re not feeling ‘Hell yeah, that would be awesome!’ about something, say no.”

BE USEFUL BY TRULY LISTENING

Something Dr. Cheri Ong, a board-certified plastic surgeon who operates a concierge medicine practice, has broken down better than almost anyone is a listening method that has three steps.

Step one is active listening. Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, stay engaged the entire time someone talks to you. Ask questions and restate things to them if you need to, just to ensure you understand their problems as if they were your own—inside and out.

The second step is to empathize without overwhelming. Understanding someone’s problems rationally is one thing, but feeling someone else and having them know that you empathize is much more effective. And though it may be tempting to offer solutions, talk about your own problems, or give endless information in response to a problem, don’t overdo it. Otherwise, you will only add to their stress.

If you’ve done all of this, then offer solutions that are simple to execute. In personal relationships, sometimes a person just needs to vent, so offering solutions or critiques isn’t always needed. But in a professional context, a business context, or a personal context that is crying out for help, make sure your solutions are simple and can be implemented easily.

In her practice, Dr. Ong works with highly successful clients and does very intimate procedures, including vaginal operations. Conversations with her clients are some of the most sensitive, vulnerable, and private that two people could have. Since Dr. Ong is recognized as one of the top vaginal plastic surgeons in the world, she has had a lot of practice using rapport, compassion, and active listening in those conversations.

SEND APPRECIATION LETTERS

There’s an exercise I’ve done with well over one thousand very high-level entrepreneurs who are millionaires. Though it’s a longer process, you can do the short version of it quite easily.

Write down the names of the most important people in your life, including who they are and what value they bring. After that, write down how often you see those people or how often you tell those people what they mean to you. People tend to find that they’re not focusing enough time on the people they care most about.

So what can you do? After you’ve identified the most important people in your life, I love to write them a sincere letter. This isn’t the same as a short postcard or a text. Both of those things are still great for connecting, having fun, and building rapport, but the point of this exercise is slightly deeper. A handwritten letter says a lot, because it takes a lot of intentional time and effort.

In the letter, explain to the person you’re writing how you feel about them, why you appreciate them, and the impact they’ve had on your life—even better if you can relate your letter to a problem that person is going through that they’re trying to solve. You can do this exercise with different people in all the important areas of your life.

If every day you sent out 10 thoughtful and intentional letters, e-mails, postcards, audio notes, text messages, or videos, and if you did that five days a week for an entire year—your network and the karmic value you would have earned through it would be enormous.

One thing I learned writing What’s in it for Them? is that even if the appearance of things changes, the essence stays the same. People want to connect. People want to feel special and cared about. People want to feel appreciated. People want to have their problems solved.

If you’re a person who cares about others and can solve their problems—someone who understands what’s in it for them—there’s no limit to what you can accomplish or the peace and joy you can find in your own existence.