As a leadership coach and consultant, I frequently hear people in business saying things like: “He wants to be liked too much to be a good leader.” This comes from the perception that wanting to be liked gets in the way of making tough decisions or avoiding uncomfortable conversations. And it is true that leaders need to make decisions in service of the whole system they lead, not just for the individuals within them, which means that almost inevitably leaders will sometimes be unpopular, disliked even.

So how can we build our tolerance for being disliked, so that we don’t get knocked off course by the opinions of others? We’ll start by looking at the impact of fear itself on our performance and then move on to what we can do to overcome this all too human response.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE FEAR BEING DISLIKED?

Full disclosure: I have spent a lot of my life wanting to be liked. As an extrovert, I have what psychologists sometimes refer to as an external reference point. I want other people to see me, recognize me, and tell me I’m doing a good thing.

This is a mixed blessing. It can serve as a great motivator for me to give my best and stretch me to do great things, but it can also trip me into anxiety or fear, which is never a good starting point.

The truth is that, unless we are in very real, life-threatening danger, fear always holds us back for many reasons. To start with, it can trigger what is known as an amygdala hijack. That is when our fight, flight, freeze response is activated and we start reacting in survival mode rather than working from a proactive place. Fear jangles our nervous system and releases our stress hormones.

Furthermore, when we are coming from a place of fear, the voice of our inner critic dials up, making us compare, worry, and judge ourselves harshly. Feeling fearful distracts us from getting on with the job in hand, and simply stops us being available to give our best in the present moment.

If you want to start changing any habits or patterns of behavior, it can help to get really good at noticing how you react to things so that you can then pause to reflect and make a conscious choice to reset differently. Noticing when you feel fearful is key—whether it is feeling physically jangled or that inner critic gets really loud—because then you can start to practice how you might respond differently.

HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF BEING DISLIKED

At heart, the antidote to fearing others disliking you is to build a stronger inner sense that who you are and what you give to the world is enough.  There is a real need to develop your own inner compass, based on what you think about who you are and what you do. This can give you a state of calm, safe in the knowledge that you have enough to be and do what is required of you.

Building your inner state of being enough starts with checking in on your mindset. The fear of being disliked puts us into a mindset of scarcity where we fear that we lack something, or that others will judge us harshly. We want to move instead to a mindset of being enough. This is where we accept ourselves for all our flaws and talents and stop looking to others for approval. We become our own point of reference rather than giving this job to others.

Developing an “enough mindset” moves you away from the fear of not belonging toward a state of self-acceptance. It is a mindset rooted in the belief that we have all that we need. Sure, we can change and grow, but the starting point is well grounded in self-belief. Instead of fearing the opinion of others, you build up your own sense of knowing who you are and who you want to be in the world.