Working moms navigate a delicate balance with worlds torn between work and home, performance and parenting, progressing and providing, climbing the ladder, and cherishing the moments. It’s a constant juggling act, where the demands of the workplace often compete with the need to nurture and support children. The constant push and pull can give rise to feelings of guilt and inadequacy, leaving many women questioning their choices. 

Polly Williams, Managing Director at TishTash and a mother of eight years, shares her complex experience, which she finds perplexing.

“Mom guilt is a funny term because I don’t know who came up with it,” she says, adding how societal expectations influence feelings. “It’s tough to know that I’m being told by society that I should feel guilty.” She oscillates between intense guilt and moments of relief, only to feel guilty for not feeling guilty. This cycle becomes more pronounced as her children grow older, leading her to recognize the pressures imposed by society.

Williams emphasizes the challenges of balancing her professional life with motherhood, explaining that even when she is at work, she often feels she should be guilty of not being with her kids.

“When I’m not feeling guilty, I’m in the office knowing that the kids are being looked after by their father or a helper, then I realize I should be feeling guilty because that’s what I’m being told,” she adds. 

There is a constant tug-of-war working mothers’ experience heightened by societal expectations. 

Another aspect of mom guilt is that nobody prepares new mothers for it. 

“The first shock is how unprepared you are physically and emotionally to resume work after the 45-day maternity period,” says Marilyn Pinto, founder at KFI Global. 

“Add the worry and guilt of leaving a newborn baby in someone else’s care for the 8 or 9 hours you’re at work. Then there’s the actual work that needs to be done, which requires intense focus, which is in short supply,” she says. 

Additionally, Pinto says the exorbitant cost of childcare adds to the worry, making many women wonder if returning to work is worthwhile.

Erika Blazevicitute Doyle, Founder of Drink Dry, shares her journey of navigating the challenges of motherhood while managing her career. Reflecting on her initial expectations, she says, “I underestimated the physical and emotional exhaustion that came with becoming a mother.”

As she planned to return to work, Doyle recognized the overwhelming advice first-time mothers often receive. “I feel like first-time moms are pulled into so many different directions.”

MOM VS. DAD GUILT?

So, is mom guilt experienced exclusively by mothers? Do fathers experience dad guilt? A recent study published in the British Journal of Social Psychology highlights that working mothers feel significantly higher levels of guilt compared to fathers, mainly due to internalized gender stereotypes. 

The research found that implicit associations of women with family roles and men with work contribute to increased guilt for mothers when their work interferes with family time. At the same time, fathers experience less guilt in similar circumstances. The study involved 105 mothers who documented their daily work hours and feelings of guilt, revealing that longer work hours are linked to heightened guilt and work-family conflict.

Additionally, the study included a scenario in which 135 mothers and 116 fathers considered a situation where they had to prioritize work over caring for a sick child. Results indicated that mothers anticipated feeling guiltier than fathers, and those fathers who held stronger traditional gender stereotypes reported lower levels of guilt. This underscores how societal norms protect fathers from guilt associated with work-family conflicts while reinforcing them for mothers.

“It’s important to teach women the value of going to work,” says Williams. She recalls her eldest daughter, then a toddler, walking around the house with a laptop and phone. Williams says that is a core memory she returns to when thinking about imparting the right values to her kids, such as prioritizing work and family. 

“As kids get older, the guilt of missing out on milestones like a netball match or recital grows,” she adds. 

STRATEGIES TO COPE 

Navigating the complexities of motherhood while managing a career can be challenging. However, mothers need to recognize that guilt is common and manageable. 

Williams acknowledges the challenges of balancing work and parenting while emphasizing the importance of organization and mindfulness. She says, “Women who stay home and look after their kids do an incredible job. In my experience, you have to be organized, but you can’t be chaotic when you have a job and kids. You have to be mindful of the choices that you’re making.” 

To create balance in her life, Williams has established certain non-negotiables, such as prioritizing her gym time for mental health, which she views as essential.

She also adapts her schedule to accommodate her children, ensuring she doesn’t have meetings on Fridays when they finish school early. “I am lucky to be able to do this. I shape my week around things I don’t want to miss, and I miss so many school-related things.” She highlights the importance of communicating with her children in advance, stating that this practice helps them navigate their schedules more effectively.

Meanwhile, workplaces play a crucial role in supporting working mothers.

According to Pinto’s experience, there’s no sure-shot way to reduce the stress of a working mother, but you can try to manage it better. “I asked for permission to work from home two days a week, which made all the difference to my stress levels and how I worked,” she says. 

“I don’t think I ever led a balanced life daily; I’m not entirely sure that’s possible. I just leaned into whatever issue needed me most at that time. If it was work that got priority or a domestic issue that needed my urgent attention, then that’s what I would unabashedly focus on. I just hoped that, on the whole, I could balance things out, and looking back, maybe I did, but it certainly didn’t feel like it at the time,” Pinto says. 

Doyle emphasizes the crucial role that a supportive spouse plays in her ability to manage her career and family life. She says, “I could not have done half of the things I have done if it wasn’t for my husband’s unconditional support and the way we communicate with each other.”

In addition to a supportive partner, she notes the importance of a positive work environment. “Supportive and understanding co-workers and work environment is everything.” She has fostered an inclusive atmosphere at her business, which extends to educating colleagues without children about the realities of working parents and how they can better support their teammates.

NOT HAVING IT TOGETHER 

The former CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, has often highlighted how the career clock and biological clock are usually in conflict for women, implying that women frequently become mothers at the peak of their career trajectories.

Motherhood, unfortunately, held many women back in their professional lives.

“We have left a time and place where you’re expected to sit at your desk for ten hours a day and are not allowed to leave. The truth is that every employer must let their employees, especially working mothers, take their kids to doctor’s appointments or allow them the leeway to come in late because their kids had an assembly,” says Williams.

“And if you’re working in an industry that says no to that and is clock-watching, those companies must be held accountable.”

Acknowledging the need for change, she says, “We want more women in the workforce and don’t want them to feel like they must quit their jobs when they become mothers. But we can only achieve this if the people around us and the companies we work for appreciate it. There is change, but there needs to be more of it to the point that it becomes a cultural norm across all businesses.”

Pinto provides practical advice for new mothers facing a transition from maternity leave back to work. 

“Understand that it’s going to be complicated. Then, use all your resources to make the transition easier, whether getting family to help, ensuring your spouse is an equal partner in caring for the baby, or even requesting work-from-home permission for at least a few months,” she says.

Another piece of advice Pinto offers mothers is to trust their instincts. “Don’t rely heavily on so-called ‘parenting experts’; they don’t know you, your child, or your particular situation as well as you do. So, learn to trust yourself and your judgment more,” she says.

“It might also be a good time to start advocating for childcare facilities at work and an extension of paid maternity leave. Many of these issues are systemic and complex to solve, but new mothers need to understand that the system is at fault, not them. Unless there is systemic change, women everywhere will bear the brunt of motherhood,” Pinto adds.

Emphasizing the strengths that mothers bring to the workplace, Williams says,“You give a mom a job, and it’ll get done faster than anyone else. They know how to juggle and prioritize better than anyone else. So it’s vital to start framing mothers differently. If we start changing our thoughts about motherhood, this idea of mom guilt will shift because we don’t need to feel guilty. How can we feel guilty for doing it all?”