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How to set boundaries with a toxic boss
Try these six steps if you’re stuck dealing with a toxic manager.
When it comes to having a boss, there’s good, there’s bad, and then there’s ugly—also known as toxic. Unfortunately, a fair amount of people are being managed by someone in this category. In a survey by employee engagement platform Perceptyx, 24% of employees say they are working for their worst boss ever.
If you’ve ever had a bad or toxic boss, you know they can suck the joy out of going to work. No one wants to spend eight hours plus in a place where they aren’t supported by their manager or feel disrespected. Before you start shopping your résumé around, there may be some steps you can take to create better boundaries.
UNDERSTAND YOUR BOSS’S STYLE
Putting yourself in your boss’s shoes can help you determine your best course of action, says Manfred Kets de Vries, distinguished clinical professor of leadership development and organizational change at the French business school INSEAD.
“Why is he or she doing this?” he asks. “Sometimes, there’s a triggering effect, such as someone above them putting pressure on the person. Understanding your boss’s situation may help you discover that they’re not as difficult as you thought.”
However, sometimes a boss is toxic because it’s part of their personality. Bullies, for example, were often bullied themselves.
“Are they screaming at people in public?” asks Kets de Vries. “They may not have impulse control, and the reason is simple. Imagine that they’re five years old. Children get angry, and a parent’s role is to help them calm down. If they cannot, it becomes a pattern of behavior. This might give you an indication about why they do what they do.”
Kevin Rockmann, professor of management at Costello College of Business at George Mason University, likes to define a boss’s “flavor of toxic.” For example, a boss who is toxic because they gossip probably has underlying needs for social connection. They use gossip as currency, “paying others” to fit in. A narcissist boss, however, might desire self-assurance and greater ego.
“Different types of toxic require different types of boundaries and different strategies to manage,” says Rockmann.
KNOW YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES
Knowing who you’re dealing with is the first step. The next is knowing what you will and will not do. Career coach Sara Lobkovich says it’s essential to identify your boundaries and determine if they’re fixed or negotiable.
For example, you may have a fixed boundary that says you won’t work weekends. However, you may have a negotiable boundary that says you’re open to working overtime on occasion. Knowing when you’re willing to make an exception will help you secure your boundaries.
PROTECT YOUR BOUNDARIES
While you get to set your boundaries, you can’t control whether people honor them, says Lobkovich. If your boss crosses a boundary, know that you’re setting a precedence by how you react. Bring it to their attention by clearly and simply stating it.
For example, if your boss crossed a fixed boundary, Lobkovich recommends saying something like, “This is a hard boundary for me, and it’s not negotiable. I think we can resolve this by [proposed solution]. Would that be agreeable to you?
“If they react poorly to your communicating a boundary with a legitimate rationale, that’s a ‘them’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem,” she says. “A skilled leader will either agree to honor your boundary or ask for some time to consider what you’ve said—not react emotionally.”
REGULATE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
It’s also important to not engage with toxic behavior, says Lobkovich. “Whatever your boss’s ‘flavor’ of toxicity, you can’t control their reactions or responses toward you, but you can set yourself up for a greater chance of success by taking a deep breath and staying calm,” she says.
For example, pretend you’re having a normal, healthy conversation with a mature individual, and work to keep yourself in that zone regardless of the response on the other side.
“If the conversation turns harmful or abusive, remove yourself from the situation,” says Lobkovich. “In the absence of harm or abuse, you don’t have to take your conversation partner’s bait if their emotional regulation fails.”
GET SUPPORT
You may need to enlist some help from a trusted coworker, friend, or partner. Choose someone who will give advice and encourage you to hold your line, says Rockmann. “The advisor should help you understand—again and again, if needed—why those boundaries are important by discussing the emotional reactions the boss is helping to incite in you,” he says.
If the behavior persists, it may be time to take the situation to HR, asking them to be part of the conversation, adds Kets de Vries. Document your boss’s behavior and how it affects your mental health and performance. (It’s important to remember, however, that HR is not always on your side.)
“Collect and share detailed records you have kept about your boss’s dysfunctional behavior with HR,” he says. “When having this discussion, highlight the problems but also offer concrete and constructive suggestions to improve the situation.”
CONSIDER TRANSFERRING OR QUITTING
If your boss isn’t willing to change but you like working for the company, Kets de Vries recommends seeking other opportunities within your organization.
“Maybe you can do a lateral arabesque,” he says. “Talk to others in the company and subtly indicate that you are open to new opportunities beyond your current workstream.”
If this isn’t possible, it may be time to find another job and leave your current employer. “Focus on finding a work environment where your talents are appreciated,” says Kets de Vries. “Refrain from speaking negatively about your boss or engaging in gossip, though. Going to war with them is not a good idea.”
It’s never easy to leave a job, says Lobkovich. “But losing a job with a toxic boss who doesn’t respect your boundaries is better than staying in a job with a toxic boss who’s causing you actual harm,” she says. “Setting boundaries is a fundamental element of self-care and self-preservation.”
