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A field guide to annoying coworkers
The raging narcissist. The overexplainer. The passive-aggressive. Here’s what to do with those colleagues you dislike (but still have to work with).
Hopefully, you like most of the people you work with. But, there are always a few who rub you the wrong way, and research suggests that these coworkers may be getting more annoying. Some of these aggravating qualities may be idiosyncratic. You have a problem with them, but others seem to get along with them just fine. Other colleagues seem to annoy everyone, though.
A complete catalog of annoying coworkers would probably fill a book, but here are a few of the more common archetypes. (I’m going to focus on annoying colleagues and not ones whose behavior crosses the line into harassment.) Here’s how to spot the annoying ones you’ll likely encounter—what to do with them:
THE RAGING NARCISSIST
Probably the most common of the annoying coworkers is the narcissist. Narcissists are folks who think they’re special. They believe that they deserve to be listened to, put in charge, and deferred to. There are two subspecies of narcissists—grandiose and vulnerable.
Grandiose narcissists have a healthy self-esteem to go along with these other characteristics. They are fairly benign in general, but try not to argue with them too much. If you need something from them, make them think the idea was theirs. Compliment them on their work. Focus more on what you hope to get out of the interaction instead of having a pleasant time. You’re not going to get kudos or credit from the narcissist, but you still might achieve your goals.
Vulnerable narcissists are a different story. They are folks whose self-esteem is actually low, despite their thinking that they’re special. Consequently, they are always trying to prop up their self-esteem with pats on the back from others and by ensuring that they are always seen as the most important person in the room. Your best bet with vulnerable narcissists is to stay away. When they feel threatened, they can fly into a narcissistic rage that can be really unpleasant.
THE NEVER-ENDING STORYTELLER
One of the colleagues you may dread is the one who always has a story to tell you. It might be about their life, something happening at the office, or just something they picked up on the internet. The fundamental problem with this colleague is that they have stories, but they aren’t gifted storytellers. The anecdote doesn’t have a beginning or middle, and worst of all, it doesn’t have an end.
Often, these colleagues are sufficiently engrossed in the story that they don’t even notice how long they’ve been going on. This is a benign situation, but still one that can be frustrating. I recommend a polite interruption and a reminder that you need to move on to something else.
That said, some of those never-ending storytellers are also just trying to connect with their colleagues in the best way they know how. As an alternative to getting buttonholed by one in the wild, you can invite your colleague to lunch along with several others. This way, there are several people who can initiate conversation and reduce the likelihood that the discussion will become a monologue.
THE ‘SPLAINER
Some people need to feel that they know how everything works better than everyone else (even when the thing they purport to know falls directly in your area of expertise). While this has popularly been called “mansplaining” because of a tendency for many of the ‘splainers to be men, it’s the tendency to needlessly explain things to others that is the operative characteristic.
The ’splainer is flat-out annoying because you’re getting information you don’t need and being talked down to at the same time. Sometimes, the ‘splainer is trying to play a power game. By explaining things to you, they’re setting themselves up in the role of teacher, which feels superior to being the student. The chronic ‘splainer needs some feedback that the power game isn’t working. If you’re getting a lesson in your own area of expertise, a handy way to defang this beast is to ask a difficult question as a follow-up that this individual probably can’t answer, and then provide the answer yourself.
At times, though, the ‘splainer has imposter syndrome and wants to demonstrate their relevance and importance. This is particularly true of relatively young ‘splainers. For these individuals, refocus the conversation on work that needs to be done. Provide chances for them to demonstrate their worth through actions rather than words. As they gain more confidence, these ‘splainers often become less annoying coworkers.
THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
A particularly annoying coworker is one who fears direct confrontation. They are perfectly agreeable in face-to-face interactions, but then undermine plans that have been agreed upon through their later actions (or inactions). These coworkers are annoying, because when you see them in a meeting related to an upcoming project, you don’t know whether you can rely on them to follow through on their commitments.
Happily, because this passive-aggressive behavior is rooted in wanting to avoid direct confrontation, there is a fairly straightforward path out of it. When you get wind of someone undermining a project, you have to call it out directly and discuss it with them. State your expectations clearly and talk about what did (or did not) happen that caused a problem. When the passive-aggressive believes they will create confrontation with their behavior, they often fall into line rather than risk additional bad interactions.
A limitation of this approach, though, is that you’d like to know the concerns and objections these individuals have ahead of time, while there’s still an opportunity to fix the problem. Try to develop an environment that is psychologically safe in the hope of getting them to voice their concerns. When they do speak up, give them lots of positive feedback for saying something (even if you disagree with them).
THE REACH-EXCEEDS-THE-GRASP
Some colleagues are a problem because they are too eager. They want to take on projects and responsibilities—often in the hope of getting noticed, seeking advancement, or building an empire.
There is nothing wrong with ambition in and of itself. I think that people should put themselves in line for opportunities to create new challenges and opportunities. The problem arises when people overestimate their ability to succeed at these projects. They volunteer to be part of things and ultimately cause more problems than they solve.
These colleagues are particularly annoying when they are peers because you have no direct leverage over their inclusion on projects. Start by providing them some feedback that they need to be willing to learn more, rather than just taking on responsibility. If you feel uncomfortable saying that, you might want to talk with your supervisor and get some suggestions for how to handle it. Your supervisor might be able to talk either with them or their supervisor. At a minimum, this discussion might help you avoid having to carry this person’s work for them in the future.