Micro-interactions are an often unrecognized part of our everyday lives. They are what we say, and don’t say. They are what we listen to and what we ignore, consciously or otherwise. They are the smiles, frowns, blank looks, flashes of irritation that pass across our faces. They are our habits and behaviors. They are the myriad of decisions we make.

Micro-interactions are the moments of connection we have with other humans that occur in their multitudes every single day. Collectively they show what matters to us and what we don’t care about, projecting a continuous message to the world about who we are: what sort of person, what sort of leader. But all of our micro-interactions have consequences, sometimes significant, often unintended. Which is why it’s important to have an understanding of how our micro-interactions impact our lives, specifically our relationships, and why our micro-interactions are never neutral.

How micro-interactions shape our relationships

Micro-interactions are how we experience all of our relationships. And relationships matter.

Human beings are by nature a social species; we need other humans to survive and thrive. We depend on others for safety, to acquire knowledge and skills, and to accomplish tasks we could not achieve alone. More than that, relationships are how we experience love, companionship, friendship, a sense of belonging, and how we build esteem.

Whether with your peers, your team or your boss, at work, relationships are the foundation of teams and effective collaboration. When relationships are working well, they are how you get things done, how you learn, how you mobilise others, how you succeed. When they aren’t working, they cause frustration, distrust, disengagement, stress, and can cause people to leave. It is a truism backed by research that people don’t leave jobs; they leave managers.

Our work is also a place of friendship as well as professional collaboration. In their regular employee engagement surveys, one of Gallup’s twelve statements is “I have a best friend at work.” Despite scepticism from many, they continue to include it for one good reason: it predicts performance. Gallup research has shown that having a best friend at work is closely linked to positive outcomes on profitability, safety, retention and workplace satisfaction.

And what makes up relationships? Hundreds and thousands of interactions over time. Many of which are, you guessed it, micro-interactions. Each one is like a stitch in the tapestry of that relationship, adding to its depth, colour, and overall shape. Alone they may seem insignificant but added up over time the micro-interactions become the relationship.

Now imagine that same tapestry with some loose stitches, or where the wrong colour has been used, or perhaps some stitches are absent entirely. Suddenly the picture is unclear, and it has lost some of its lustre. Add in enough messy or missing stitches and that tapestry is no longer one you’d like to look at, or one holding any real value.

That’s why your micro-interactions matter. It’s also why they are never neutral: in fact, your micro-interactions are always doing one of three things within any relationship.

Growing it, killing it, letting it die

Every interaction you have is contributing to one of three things happening within a relationship:

First, you are growing it, nourishing it. Your micro-interactions are additive, net positive, forward moving over time, and are contributing to an ever deeper and higher-quality relationship. By being thoughtful and intentional in how you speak and listen, and being aware of the impact of your actions, you are building trust and understanding, helping get the best out of those around you.

If that isn’t happening, there are only two other things that may be happening.

One, you are actively killing it. Your micro-interactions are damaging the relationship, causing loss of trust and a decrease in connection and understanding. Examples of this could include not listening to people, micro-managing, interrupting or being dismissive, or even consistently mispronouncing someone’s name.

Or two, you are letting it die through neglect. Whether through carelessness, thoughtlessness, a lack of self-awareness, or simply not paying enough attention, the relationship is deteriorating. Your micro-interactions are insufficient, inconsistent, or confusing. Trust is eroding, and the metaphorical distance between you is increasing.

Examples of this are often less obvious, but could include being consistently late, or avoiding responding to certain types of email. Equally it might include jumping in to fix things rather than helping your team learn, frequently being too busy to give people your time and attention, or being inconsistent between what you say and how you act.

It is rare that we do damage through our micro-interactions on purpose. However, if you aren’t aware of the impact of your interactions, you may be neglecting or damaging relationships through your inattention. Attracting, retaining, and getting the best out of your talent remains key for all leaders, and your micro-interactions are foundational to that.

It’s not about being perfect

I’m not suggesting you should be trying to achieve perfection; progress in any relationship is not linear over time, and in the real world, it’s unclear what “perfect” even means! What matters is paying attention to the net impact of your micro-interactions, so that you are aware of and intentional about the direction of travel.

Owning your mistakes and missteps is core to this. As leaders, and as humans, we get stuff wrong. We say something and it doesn’t land well or it has a completely different impact to what we intended. We brush someone off when we are busy and don’t listen properly. Too often we then stay silent and later realise we could or should have said something.

It’s crucial to apologise, properly and sincerely. Mean it, and own your impact, whether or not it was intentional (and it usually isn’t). The point is, in this case, the intention doesn’t really matter. It’s about your impact. As the proverb says, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

The other relevant truism is that “changed behaviour is the only apology.” While I do agree with this, there are clearly times when something happens for a reason that can’t easily be changed. Where this is the case, transparency and, where appropriate, a commitment to work to change it (which you follow through on) are key. Otherwise, if your language or your behaviour hurts someone, say sorry unconditionally.

When you focus on eliminating or transforming those micro-interactions which are at best frustrating to others and, at worst, cause harm (even when unintended), you will soon find that your efforts are growing your relationships instead of neglecting or killing them, creating trust and inspiring productivity. For your own sake, and for the sake of everyone you interact with, taking the time to work on your micro-interactions such that they create strong relationships and a supportive, enjoyable work environment can only be a good thing.

Adapted and excerpted with permission from Do Sweat the Small Stuff by Sarah Langslow.